The Velvet Hammers

The Velvet Hammers

Team News

Stay tuned for a Grand Forks wrap up!

Posted by: Lorne Birch on Thu Mar 29th 2012 3:34am

Thursday Dickie Dunn makes his long awaited return!

Cricket. Cricket.

Posted by: Candace Birch on Wed Mar 28th 2012 10:54am

Been awfully quiet on the news page here for quite some time.

Hey Dickie where you been?

Hammers Back in the Cellar!!!

Posted by: Brett Birch on Wed Feb 08th 2012 2:00pm

Your Velvet Hammers have been placed every-so-gently back in to the bowels of the UMHL after an unsuccessful stint in Division II. A zero and 5 record will do that to you... Or one would think. After some consultation with the Board of Governors, it was thought best to send the Hammers sailing down the river.

So here we are, fresh off a shellacking from the Div ! Legion 90 Warriors, about to embark on the final leg of our season. One which has seen many of ups and downs, highs and lows and ins and outs. That sounds like a weekend at Bobby D's place I know!!! Speaking of Bobby D, congrats from the team and the ownership group on pounding the piss outta Chelsea and finding a home for your swimmers!

Back to hockey... The final games will all be against Div III opponents. A division we should dominate. We are not far from a contending Division II team either boys. I see that in our near future for sure.

Unfortunately, being in that division right now was a test we failed ever so slightly. We grew a little divided in that stretch, but thankfully, we pulled together after the last few games. We have gone back to the Hammers of old. Beer swillin', hard playin', immature, fun-loving pricks! I missed you guys...

Not sure where the articles went to over the past few weeks, but I guarantee, we will get back on track. I know many of you have been missing them and as a result have had to purchase skin mags just to get your fix. For that, I apologize.

As for the STREAKS IN THEIR SHORTS, my memory won't allow me to come up with anything creative or noteworthy at the moment, other than we have lost 6 or 7 straight and it is time to turn it around!!!

See you guys on Sunday @ 9:45pm vs Eastside Hockey. They are bottom-feeders in Div III, but they score a tonne and are incredibly fast. Most play for the Arrows too, so keep your head! (from being scalped???)

For Dickie Dunn,

Ass Cap 2.012
Beat Writer

Hey This Division 2 Thing is Pretty Effen Fast Paced!!

Posted by: Lorne Birch on Mon Jan 09th 2012 10:45pm

The Velvet Hammers played their first division 2 game Sunday afternoon at The Bell. Now normally this would be an exciting challenge. Really it would. I mean The Hammers are rolling with a solid record of 7-3-1 and a good test was just what the doctor ordered. Problem is, The Hammers were off for almost 4 weeks and the teams average weight increased by 6 and a 1/2 pounds per ass cheek, and 3 pounds for each man tit. Also they faced the number 1 team in Division 2, The Pylons, with a solid 10-1 record.

So after The Hammers realized the ice was tilted at a 40 degree angle to their defensive end, it was too late. Thankfully Shawn Thompson made 72 saves and gave The Hammers a chance to not lose by a landslide...I mean giving The Hammers a chance to win.

Several Hammers suffered minor strokes throughout the game including Derek Birch, Kerry McAuley, and Lorne Birch. It is believed Derek also suffered a heart attack, but as of press time this cannot be confirmed.

Nobody suffered more from this loss than Jamie Bileski, who sadly did not get her traditional post game romp from Captain Lorne. Apparently fatigue affects all organs.

Yes it was ugly. Yes the better team won. BUT...this was what The Hammers needed. May as well take it on the chin to the best and then beat the shit out of the rest.

Scoring for The Hammers in the 4-2 defeat, were Steve McEvoy on a nice feed from Josh Dueck, and Brett Birch with his 14th from a nice brotherly feed off Lorne's stick.

Hardest working player was Shawn Thompson obviously. Shawn dropped 16 pounds after his 72 save performance and he can still be heard screaming Captain Lorne Birch's name from the Bells rafters, "COME ON LORNE! SKATE!!!!!!"

Unfortunately I could not get any post game quotes as nobody from the Hammers had the strength to speak. I did however pick up some sound bites.

From Dueck's corner "pffffft....blast....sssssss.....pffffft....rrrrrumble...buoonnnno"
Safe to say, this cleared the room.

Up next for the Hammers is The Rockpile. Should be a clean one as always!

Dicki Dunn
Associated Press


-All players could claim to have some sort of streakage in their shorts after this one!

Strong First Half Propels Hammers Into Division 2

Posted by: Lorne Birch on Wed Jan 04th 2012 1:18am

After a strong first half that saw The Velvet Hammers go 7-3-1, the boys in gold now find themselves in division 2, to kick off the second part of the season this Sunday afternoon.
Also making the step up to the stronger division are The Arrows and of course The Rockpile. A team that continues to haunt The Hammers.

Just before the break, The Hammers let another one slip away and lost a nail biter to Rockpile 4-3 in a last minute Pile goal.

The Hammers do however play a familiar foe that they had success against last season, this weekend as they take on The Peg City Pylons, who are a blistering 9-1 in their last 10. The game takes place at 3:30, so it's another good opportunity to bring out the kids for some more fan friendly support!

Some highlights of the first half include:

-Josh Dueck leads the UMHL with 36 points, including a lofty 21 assists! What??

-Shawn and Clay have given up only 35 goals in 11 games for an avg. of 3.18

-The JBL Express have recorded 90 points after the first 11 league games

-The Hammers signed 3 new players in Paul Stastook, Darrell Doerksen, and Troy Thauburger. 3 fine additions to help out the Hammers in a challenging second half.

-After 3 games Lorne Birch senior rejoined the Hammers as bench boss.

-The Hammers record of 7-3-1 is their best start in their 3 year franchise history.

-A team that struggled to win just a few games in their inaugural season, now find themselves being promoted to a higher caliber division. This team has come a long way in a short period of time!

-Team Captain Lorne Birch played in his franchise record 74th straight game just before the break. He also recorded his first Hammers Franchise hatty earlier this season as well.

-All 3 Hammers losses were by 1 goal, not including an empty netter by The Arrows.


Time to shit out the remaining turkey, ham, perogy's and gravy. Puck drops this Sunday after a long 4 week break! I for one can't wait. Just hope gaining 20 pounds over the break doesn't drag my line-mates down too much!

Dickie Dunn
Associated Press

Last Game Result: Mar 27 2011

Team 1 2 3 F
Canucks 1 1 0 2
The Velvet Hammers « 1 1 3 5
Goal Scorers: Brett Birch (12:49 in 1st), Brett Birch (11:11 in 2nd), Scott Podruchny (06:41 in 3rd), Gaston Berryman (11:14 in 3rd), Josh Dueck (16:24 in 3rd)
Goaltender: Shawn Thompson (W)

Coming Up

Nothing Scheduled

Regular Season Leaders