The Velvet Hammers

The Velvet Hammers

Team News

Hammers Remain Unbeaten

Posted by: Lorne Birch on Sun Oct 23rd 2011 7:24pm

The Velvet Hammers remained unbeaten with a 3-3 tie Saturday night at The Bell. With the point, The Hammers kept their hold on first place in the division. Going back to The Baron's Tourney last season, The Hammers have been playing some great hockey, running their record to 7-1-1 in their last 9.

It wasn't an easy draw, as the Hammers took 7 minor penalties, to Rockpile's 2, including a 2 man disadvantage, that lead to a Rockpile goal. In spite of all thier penalties the Hams still held a 3-2 advantage with less than 2 minutes left. A minor mishap lead to Rockpile's tying goal. Regardless, this was a solid team effort and a message was sent to the Pile, that The Hammers were the team to beat this year!

With Josh Dueck out for the game, Paul Stastook was inserted into the JBL express line. Paul filled in nicely with a goal and an assist. Lorne Birch added a goal and an assist, while his brother Brett added a goal and 2 apples of his own.

Shawn Thompson had another stellar outing making huge saves throughout and giving The Hammers a chance to win yet again.

"It was a long day for myself. I was a little hammered, just arrived after the Jets game. So between the pops and the half of blunt I smoked, kinda surprising I played so well!" said Thompson afer the game.

The Mark's Work Wearhouse Player of the game went to Brett Birch. Brett was involved in all three Hammer's goals and logged a load of ice, lending his services to a depleted defensive corps.

When asked about his performance after the game, Brett had this to say, "When C handed out the player of the game, I already had the marker in my hand to sign the helmet. I mean come on, it had to be me! I just wanted to win this one really bad! The game too!"

The Hammers put their undefeated record on the line this Saturday, when they meet the woeful Knights at the Bell. Game time 8:30 pm.

I am going to do something unusual and rare. I am going to guarantee a win this Saturday. That's right folks! A guaranteed win! You heard it here first!

Dickie Dunn
Associated Press


-Bob Drysdale recorded his first point of the season

-Paul Stastook records his first goal and assist as a Hammer

-The Hammers finally get their first powerplay of the season. They are 0/1 in 4 games.

-It was "Bring your own booze night" for The Hammers home game. Some of the female fans were obviously partaking in this first annual event. Also seen, was a man passed out in the Southwest section of the arena, row 6.

Hammers Win Season Opener!

Posted by: Lorne Birch on Sun Oct 16th 2011 7:52pm

After a perfect 2-0 pre-season campaign, The Velvet Hammers kept their loss column at zero, beating The Senior Citizens 4-2 in their season opener. This marks the first time in Hammers franchise history, they started off the campaign at 3-0.

The entire team put in a solid effort in this highly contested affair. With only 3 minutes left, a win for the Hams was still in doubt, until Josh Dueck broke free on a breakaway, and made a nifty move past the Citizens goal tender, and notched the game winning goal, his team leading 4th of the season.

The brothers McAuley line was formed, due to the absence of Gaston and Barret. This worked out well as the brothers had several scoring chances, and also scored one as Kerry McAuley scored his first of the season.

Teary eyed Kerry spoke about his chance to play with his brothers after the game. "It was a dream come true for myself personally. I mean I could never image this. My mom would of been so proud. I mean I scored! Oh wait you mean what I thought of playing with my brothers? Yah it was o.k."

With only three defenceman dressed for this affair, Kris, Derek, and Darrell logged a shit load of ice, but all played solid, preventing The Citizens from ever scoring that 3rd goal.

Speaking of preventing a third goal from the Citizens, nobody played a bigger role than The Marks Work Warehouse hardest working player of the game, Clay Koroscil. Clay was stellar all night, making huge saves, and always keeping The Hams within a goal of winning. Koroscil has yet to lose for The Hams in the pipes, when called upon.

"All I can do is be ready when I'm called for duty. As long as I can give my team a chance, I think I've done my job. Tonight I have no doubt I did that and so much more. Let's face it. If Josh or I don't play tonight, we lose. It's that simple!" said a somewhat cocky Koroscil after the game.

When asked about Clay's derogatory coments, Josh Dueck had this to say. "Well no shit! Somebody had to say it!"

Needless to say Dueck had a strong game as well, tallyng 3 points and running his total to a team leading 9 points.

The Hammers will face a true test and a threat to their perfect record when the rivalry continues next weekend and The Rockpile come to town. As expected, this will no doubt be a tough physical game and a constant stroll to the penalty box. Tickets as usual for this match up are going quick so get yours now.

Shawn Thompson, back off the "personal leave list", will make his regular season debut for this match. When asked about his thoughts playing his arch nemisis he had this to say, "Bring it on bitch's!"

Need I say more?

Dickie Dunn
Associated Press






Perfect Preseason for The Hams!

Posted by: Lorne Birch on Wed Oct 05th 2011 4:10pm

The Velvet Hammers finished their preseason a perfect 2-0, with a convincing defeat of Team Napa 4-1 Friday night.

Four goals was more than enough, as The Hammers defence was solid the entire night. The tandom of D. Birch, Doerksen, and the brothers McAuley, played tight defensive hockey all game, helping backstopper Shawn thompson record his second win in as many tries in the 2011 campaign.

The JBL express accounted for all four goals, as Dueck scored twice and the Birch brothers each potted one. The other two lines played shut down hockey, never relenquishing a goal!

"It was a total team effort tonight. Everybody played solid!" said ass cap Brett Birch after the game.

Josh Dueck continued his torrid point pace he started in Grand Forks last March and picked up 4 more points, moving his team leading total to six in just two games. Surprisingly, three of those points are assists.

When asked about his new found passing ways, Dueck had this to say. "You know it felt a little weird, but when I realized passing led to goals, I figured, hey why not share. It was nice to see my linemates actually do something when I dished them the rubber. I just hope they don't get used to it!".

The Marks Work Warehouse hardest working player was Josh Dueck. Josh had a strong game scoring twice and setting up the other 2 Hams goals.

The season kicks off on October 15th for The Hammers against The Senior Citizens. With their new and improved defence and solid play from all three lines, this writer predicts a strong season for the boys in yellow and gold, and just maybe a deep run into the post season.

Dickie Dunn
Associated Press


-Josh Dueck has 3 goals and 3 assists in 2 games

-Brett Birch has 2 goals and 3 assists in 2 games

-The Hammers have had ZERO powerplays in 2 games and have been shorthanded 5 times in that span.

-Shawn Thompson starts off the season 2-0, setting a franchise record.

Lorne Pots Zero in Season Opener!

Posted by: Lorne Birch on Mon Sep 26th 2011 5:51pm

The Velvet Hammers season officially kicked off at The Bell last night, as pre-season action saw The Hammers host one of the leagues newest additions, Price Revolution.

The new and improved Hammers, with the addition of Darrell Doerksen and Glen Philpot, and the return of Derek Birch and Kevin McAuley, looked a little sluggish throughout the contest, but still edged out a 4-3 victory.

Captain, Lorne Birch known for his slow starts to the season, had several glorious scoring opportunities, but managed to miss the wide open cage on a few golden occassions.

"I couldn't hit the side of a f***ing barn with a beach ball out there today. I need to bury those chances. I don't think my linemates were too pleased. I cost them a few apples today!", said Lorne after the game.

In what should have been a mismatch of sorts, turned out to be a nail biter. Locked in a 3-3 tie with a minute left, Lorne elected to call a time-out, giving his mates on the ice a chance to rest. In spite of his brother Brett Birch's protest to such a strategic event, it was requested anyways.

The "nay sayer" himself Brett Birch buldged the twine, with only 15 seconds left, to give The Hammers the ugliest victory in franchise history.

"The time-out was huge. I told the guys we had to take one. It was a no brainer really!', said the bullshitting Brett afterwards.

Also scoring for the Hammers were newly aquired Glen Philpot, wiley veteran Gaston Berryman, and "why pass when you can score", Josh Dueck.

Shawn Thompson recorded the "W" in the pipes.

The Velvet Hammer hardest working player went to defenceman Derek Birch. Despite the marginal weight gain, Derek was solid behind the blue and a real force to be reckoned with, all game.

The Hammers hit the ice again, this Friday night at the Bell, when they take on Team Napa. Friday night will mark the first ever Gaston Berryman bobblehead night. The first 2 fans in attendance will get one to share.

Dickie Dunn
Associated Press


-Lorne played his 62nd straigh game for The Hammers. That's all their games. Apparently, he has no life.

-Bob still has not recorded a penalty minute in 61 games played.

-Glen Philpot records the first Hammers goal of the season.
-Derek Birch records the first Hammers assist of the season.
-Lorne Birch records the first penalty of the season.

-The Hammers set the UMHL pre-season attendance record with 18 fans in attendance.

Hammers optimistic for 2011/2012 run for the cup!

Posted by: Brett Birch on Sat Sep 24th 2011 10:33am

Coming off an exciting championship win on the road in Grand Forks, North Dakota, USA, the Hammers are looking forward to a long season in their chase for the W. M. Dixon Memorial Championship Trophy in only their third season in the UMHL. The squad will once again be lead by team captain Lorne R J Birch Jr. Captain Krunch was shining in their open practice a few weeks back. When asked what got him in such tremendous physical condition, he responded "well, I owe it all to my teenage girlfriend who has the stamina of an Etheopian marathon runner". Evidently, she does all the work as Cappy could be seen wretching on the bench, ice and near Norm's Skate Shop between 8:30 and 9:30pm. A disappointed yet always positive Josh Dueck is looking forward to reuniting with C to solidify the LBJ Express.

"After shedding significant body mass and sending it over to Derek, I feel great! It was a long summer of workouts and diet water, but I'm ready to toss insults with my left side winger and my stone-hand centreman. Should be a delightful 16 point season..."

In other news, the Hammers did some tinkering with their line-up with the acquisition of 2 UFA's. Forward Glen Philpot joins to asylum from the Toledo Pucknuts where he lit up the league but couldn't work out a longterm deal , opting for the open market. GM Candace Birch inked the 53 year old to a 6 yr $1.37 contract with a club option. It's a $.12 cap hit.

Darrell Doerksen was craftily stolen from the Wichita Wankers where he was the leading Wanker in all aspects. Known as a two-way D, he should compliment the backend if he can expand his game to be a 3-way type of lad. Baboom!

2012 welcomes back wiley veteran of the inaugural season, Derek Birch. With his new prosthetic digit, he's looking for more feel when moving the puck up the ice, IF he chooses to pass the biscuit this year.

The balance of the roster remains status quo. Out are The Gambler and brothers Rewucki. This leaves a large void in the offensive side, but the Ham's are looking for some new leaders to step up to fill this loss.

The Spongee line has been reunited "and it feels so good" according to veteran 2-way centre Barret Payne. "we know eachother like the inside of our palm on our own right hand." Look forward to big things from Gas, Kerry and Payner.

Shoring up the frontline attack is the 8 mile man (no, not Eminem) Bobby D, newly acquired Glen Phil-the-net-pot and T-Rex BK. This line should contribute in both ends of the rink. It is hoped that Bobby D will maul an opponent to break the 127 yr old record of 2 complete seasons with ZERO, thats right 0 penalty minutes. Chances are that BK will start a donnybrook and Bob will get caught I the crossfire... Good luck Bob.

The rear guard also consists of Norris trophy winning Clay-ko who seriously has more padding than brains after leading the league in blocked shots once again. Scotty Mack Truck McAuley returns with his quiet but gritty ways. Third brother McAuley, Kevin, makes his anticipated return as well for a team that missed his intensity and hard-nosed "shoot first and ask questions later" style. Although, Siggy did his very best to compensate as he led the team and was top 5 in the entire MBHL with what seemed to be 350 PM's... I wouldn't want to be a forechecker against these chaps!

Last but not least Vezina Finalist, Wins leader and top 5 in GAA in 2011, he's #35 in your programs but #1 in the line-up for Moosehead, Stumpy Thompson folks! A trimmed down tender is always lit up for the next game and this year is no different. He is in Calgary looking to our purchase a remotely operated dude ranch, but hopes to make it back for the first of 2 exhibition games.

Diamond Darrell Doerksen has the Cold Certified on ice for Sunday as penance for not paying close attention to emails and bastardizing the start time of training camp. This was not a tram sanctioned levy, but rather an "I'm an idiot and thought it was a 9:30 start..." Thanks Triple D!

Let's bring the wifey and kidis to several games this year to cheer on Daddy, uncle, GRAMPA (BK!) or brother Hammer!

Brett Birch, Ass Cap 2.01

Last Game Result: Mar 27 2011

Team 1 2 3 F
Canucks 1 1 0 2
The Velvet Hammers « 1 1 3 5
Goal Scorers: Brett Birch (12:49 in 1st), Brett Birch (11:11 in 2nd), Scott Podruchny (06:41 in 3rd), Gaston Berryman (11:14 in 3rd), Josh Dueck (16:24 in 3rd)
Goaltender: Shawn Thompson (W)

Coming Up

Nothing Scheduled

Regular Season Leaders