The Velvet Hammers

The Velvet Hammers

Team News

The Velvet Hammers welcome yet another Birch!!!

Posted by: Brett Birch on Tue May 10th 2011 2:20pm

The Brett Birch Clan is please to announce the birth of their first and only daughter!!! Lucy Maria Lise Birch was born on Friday May 6th @ 11:15am. Both momma and baby are doing amazing! Lucy weighed in at 7lbs 5oz and was 21" long. Labour ran for approx 9 hrs. Lucy will e cetreing the Hammers farm club in Bismark before making the leap to the VH crew. Thank you all for your support and well wishes!

Side note: Josh was looking for a website update, so I thought I would be so kind as to write one up. You're welcome Josh.

Streaks in their shorts:
- This is Tara's 4th and final baby
- Brett is getting his first and hopefully only, vascectomy very soon!
- Lucy has made poop in consecutive diapers for 3 days straight
- Tara's cupsize has gone up an astounding 2 sizes, and are UNTOUCHABLE!!!

Brett Birch
Ass Cap.


Posted by: Brett Birch on Tue Apr 05th 2011 4:43pm

The Velvet Hammers put the "B" in Baron's last weekend when they bucked the Vegas odds of 1-125,000 that they would win a single game, nevermind the B Division CHAMPIONSHIP!!! Yup, that's right, the Hammers won their last game of the year as well as 2 previous matches in the annual Baron's Hockey Spectacular Tournament held in Grand Forks and East Grand Forks. We couldn't have done it without our loyal fans who travelled over 4 hours (with a few duty free stops along the way) to watch their men in action! That, my friends, is impressive!

The first match of the BHS was held at the unfortunate draw time of high noon on day #1. In true Hammer form, they fellas' and lass's all met up at the home base of the weekend. It was never discussed, but yet, we all ended up there. Happy Harry's of course. I always knew there was something special about this team and here it came to fruition. We loaded up the carts with some great bevy's and one of the men grabbed a courtesy case for the whole crew. A gift of 24 cans that is best served at room temperature or warmer. That's right, #19 in your program and #1 in your hearts, used some of his raffle winnings to purchase a case of Milwakee's Best Ice 5.9 Strong Beer. WOW! This was one fine adult beverage. Enjoyed by all who were brave enough to swill it down with a cold Bud Lite chaser.

As for the game itself, there was the fasted goal in Franchise history scored at 12 seconds of the first period of game 1. Scored by Brett Birch with the Apple Seed going to the Cap'n, Lorne Birch Jr. You would think the pace was set with this quick one, however, it was not meant to be. The Hams lost the first match by a 5-3 margin, with ACME's 5th being an empty netter. Snipes were potted by the afforementioned Brett, Lorne and Josh and the playmakers were Lorne, Potsy, Brett & Joshy. Stumper battled hard but they were able to squeak a few by the stellar tender.

Game two took place at 5:45pm the same day. Needless to say, there were a few beers/rums/whiskey's/tequillas/smokes/cigars/dips and grub had by all. Some of us had all in the few short hours between matches. Not mentioning any names...

This game had the long lost offence the Hammers can sometimes surprise their opponents with. Led by (2) 5 point games in Josh Dueck's 4G 1A & Brett Birch's 1G 4A's, that was all the offense they would need. Honorable mentions go to Lorne Birch with 3 Assists & Potsy's 1G 2A from the back end. Stumpy was feelin it with a mere 2 goals hitting the back mesh through a solid 51. The Hammers evened their record at 1W 1L. A total team effort is what brought the boys through this one. There was a huge supporting cast in the boys who didn't end up on the scoresheet. These are the dudes who create ice for the other players to step it up. These efforts should no go unnoticed. Payner, BK, Bobby D, Charts, Gassy, Clayko, K-Dog & Krissy, hats off men! Stumper, well, he's in a level all to himself.

Game 3 was, well, I cannot remember game 3. Gas played outstanding up-front and at rear-guard and also put up 2 points. Josh carried on his torrid goal scoring pace with another 2 fatty's (7th so far) with Lorney and Charts chipping in with a buck a piece. This is Chartsy's 2nd goal with the Hammers over 2 tourney's. Keep up the good work young feller! Brett had a puck go off his head for his 6th assist of the derby.

Josh could be overhead in the dressing room while peering in the general direction of his centreman "I have never seen anyone more disinterested in playing a game in my entire life". Not sure who was playing centre with JD, but he is not very dedicated to the team I guess...

There was a nipple sighting as well. Ole Salisbury House made an appearnace after waking up from quite a slumber. Siggy popped not one, but 2 fully engulfed stabbing weapons of mass destruction. Very nice indeed.

This win put us in contention to play in the B Side championship match vs. The Canucks. This had to be the game of the tournament for our Allstar Goaltender. Stumper gives his team an opportunity to win on most night, however, this was one of his best. "I'm feelin' it today boys" is what Thompson relayed to his mates prior to the game. There was a look about him where these words did not have to mentioned. You can just see it in his beautiful eyes... There was a swagger in the room prior to hitting the ice as well. Most guys on the squad haven't won much of anything besides a free Timmy's coffee on a roll up the rim to win cup. Your truly included. Last championship was 9 yr old division champs with Sinclair Park Sabres! This was a biggy!

The Hammers fell behind 1-0 and Stumpy made about 20 saves thus far. Ass Cap Brett tied it up with a back-hander roof daddy. 1-1 after 1.

The puck was basically in the Hammers zone all of the second period with no sustained pressure going the other way. Canucks went up 2-1. There were some sick tummies when this happened. In past games, the flood gates would open up and we would bury our heads in the sand. But, this time it was different. Stumpy made save after save which kept us 1 shot down. #34 pots another to tie things up. The mood sudfdenly changed. There was a light switch that turned on and the confirdence was at a high point. Potsy folowed up with another and he was jacked up! Our import who played a total of 8 with the tribe scored a huge one for his guys! Probably one of the bigget in Hammerville thus far.

Gas was rewarded for his great play all tournament with an insurance marker with Joshy notching his 8th and final of the tourney into a yawning cage while on the powerplay.

The Hammers win one for ourselves, the fans and the franchise!

Barret put on some extra mileage with 2 complete round trips to Grand Forks and Winnipeg as the call of duty beckoned him on Saturday. That, is dedication to the team. Speaking of dedication, the Team handed out their annual awards at the Dakota Room of the Canad Inns, a complete list of award winners will follow.

From the assistant Editior oif the Associated Press, the Editor in Chief and all the task reports, we want to thank you for an unbelieveable season for 2010-2011!!!

Special Thanks to Chelsea for videotaping our games so we can keep these momories alive to abuse over and over again!

Brett Birch
Ass Editor for DIckey Dunn

Streaks in their Shorts:
- Lorne Birch exptends his IRon Man streak to 61.
- Bob continues to NOT take penalties
- Brett is still drinking
- The Hammers are on a 3 game winning streak
- Stumpy winds back to back Vezina's

Rockpile Send Hammers Packing

Posted by: Lorne Birch on Sun Mar 20th 2011 4:57pm

It felt like a solid dose of deja-vu as Rockpile eliminated The Velvet hammers from the post-season for the second year in a row, with a decisive 6-2 victory.

The Hammers got off to a quick start as they opened the scoring mid way in the first when Andy Rewucki scored a beauty. It would be the only lead The Hammers would possess as Rockpile just took over after that.

The Hammers tried making a game out of it as they only trailed 2-1 at the midway point but once again penalty trouble reared it's ugly head, and a two man advantage for Rockpile was more than enough as they scored to make it 3-1.

From that point on The Hammers tried playing catch-up but evidently the 2 goal deficit was too much to overcome as they eventually closed off their 2010-11 season on a sour note.

I would like to recognize a few players who still skated their asses off right to the very end. Even trailing 6-2 these guys still busted their balls off in their final shifts. Bob, Barret, Andy and Brett. Sorry if I'm missing some but those 4 just stood out in the last 5 minutes. Their effort was ridiculous considering the game was all but over! I was very proud as I witnessed their effort at the end. It says a lot about their character!

I would also like to recognize some players for their dedication this year as well. Brett, Josh, Bob, Kerry, Scott, Brian, Gaston, and Shawn. These players made it out to 80% of the games or more. Gaston played a little less than these guys but he filled in so many times on defence when we so needed it! Just want to say thanks guys!

I would also like to recognize our hockey season as a very successful one! We improved on last years record by 7 wins. We scored TWICE as many goals than last year! Our team finished in the top 5 in goals for, as opposed to dead last in the 2009-10 campaign. We finished 4th place in the standings as opposed to 9th last year. We had 3 players score 20 goals as Josh, Andy and Brett had a great campaign. Considering our top scorer (Brett) scored 14 last year, I'd say not bad boys! Shawn registered 9 wins this season. 6 more than last year!

I also want to thank our spares this year who made us a better team when they were asked to play and did so. Andy, Brandon, and Thomas.

Also a big thank you to our GM"s Candi and Candace. They supported us all year! Candace had so much on her plate yet she found time to arrange fundraisers, book our tourny AND she got the ball rolling on our Vegas social. You are awesome Candace!!!!

We had awesome fans too! All the kids who came out wearing jersey's was just fantastic! Best fans in the league by far!!!!

When I decided to play hockey again 2 years ago, I never imagined I could enjoy it so much again. Speaking for myself, things can be going bad in my life, or maybe I can just be stressed out over things, but when I hit that ice with you guys, nothing else matters. Hockey does that for me and I hope it's a great outlet for you guys too. Hopefully I have a few more good years in these legs, because I couldn't imagine my life without this great game we call hockey!

I've met some pretty good guys and made some new friends. Yes even Josh! More importantly this game has strengthened my relationship with my brother Brett so much that even if I never played again, I'd be thankful for ever! I love that bastard!

Thank you all for letting me be your captain. I hope I was a good captain. I hope I didn't piss off anybody too much. It's tough trying to lead, trying to make lines, trying to get guys out and trying to do a half assed job at coaching. I just hope i did o.k and didn't let anybody down!

Just know I always brought IT, AND left it all on the ice EVERY game boys! I'll do battle with you guys anytime and anywhere!!!

I look forward to next weekend in Grand Forks. May we have fun, share stories, drink well, and most importantly...not get arrested!

Congrats to all on a great hockey season!

Lorne Birch aka Dickie Dunn
The Velvet Hammers

Hammers Lose Heartbreaker in O.T

Posted by: Lorne Birch on Tue Mar 15th 2011 12:32am

The Velvet Hammers opened up their 2011 post season Sunday afternoon as they did in last year's playoffs. A gut wrenching overtime loss. For the second year in a row, The Hammers required an extra frame, only to be denied a win.

The Hammers controlled most of the game as they held 1-0 and 2-1 leads throughout the match. The Salty Pirates caught a huge break when they tied the game off of an unfortunate tip in from a Hammers stick.

It looked like overtime wouldn't be required when The Hammers went on the power play with about 6 minutes to go in the game. They contolled the powerplay throughout and had several shots, but just couldn't beat the Pirates young gun in net.

Once again goaltending was predominent in this game as both goalies were stellar. The Pirates goalie seemed to have several of The Hammers player's numbers as he came up huge, always keeping The Pirates in the game.

"I've played a lot of hockey and their goalie was one of the better ones I've faced. He was the difference!' said the Hammers top sniper Brett Birch after the game.

The Hammers were hampered by a lack of defenceman, which seemed too much to overcome as fatigue appeared to play a major factor late in the game. The boys in gold looked like they were out of gas heading into overtime. This was a major factor as The Salty Pirates negated the Hammer powerplay and scored shorthanded as the extra frame barely started.

Afterwards Josh Dueck remained in positive spirits. "Hey we get to play all first round losers from this point on. As long as we play like I know we can, then we can still go far in this thing. Tonight we just didn't want it as bad as they did."

He also went on to state this. "Next week I'm going to ****ing try. No more of this 75% bullshit. I'm giving her 100%. Actually make it 110%!"

Shawn Thompson who suffered the loss in the pipes also remained upbeat. "I think we can still win it all. We have a great team. I say we run the gauntlet on the b side!"

The Hammers take to the ice this Saturday night when they face either The Slammers or Rockpile, in a win or go home match-up. Considering it was Rockpile who booked The Hammers T-Off time last spring in the playoffs with a 10-2 romping, this writer thinks it could be a prime time for some revenge. Safe to say I'm cheering on Rockpile for the first and only time ever when they face The Slammers, because a bitch has only one name...


Dickie Dunn
Assoiated Press


-Lorne's iron man streak at 57

-Josh Dueck leads all Hammers in franchise history with 5 points in the playoffs.

-Both Andy and Josh have 9 goals in their past 10 games.

-The Hammers will face one of the two teams who played in the UMHL finals last year as they meet the loser of The Slammers and Rockpile next weekend. Last year The Slammers beat The Pile 4-2 to win the cup. We don't do anything the easy way I tell ya!

Dicky Dunn has technical difficulties

Posted by: Brett Birch on Wed Mar 09th 2011 1:05pm
It ain't Dickie Dunn, but he's talking
It ain't Dickie Dunn, but he's talking

Due to Lorne NOT being able to speak into the microphone, the post game commentary from last game will not be appearing in this weeks Hammer Times Forum Sentinel. Sorry for any and all hurt feelings.

Assistant Editor in Chief

Last Game Result: Mar 27 2011

Team 1 2 3 F
Canucks 1 1 0 2
The Velvet Hammers « 1 1 3 5
Goal Scorers: Brett Birch (12:49 in 1st), Brett Birch (11:11 in 2nd), Scott Podruchny (06:41 in 3rd), Gaston Berryman (11:14 in 3rd), Josh Dueck (16:24 in 3rd)
Goaltender: Shawn Thompson (W)

Coming Up

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Regular Season Leaders